Prayer for my Children Wordle

Dear Jesus... Sorry I'm a cat.

My cat does not care if I want to snuggle or not. If she's in the mood, then my lap better be available and stationary for the time she has allotted me. And if she's not in the mood, then I better just get over myself. I accept it because I love her, and I'm a cat "owner" and I understand how finicky she is and so I don't take it personally.

It hit me the other day though that I am a cat when it comes to my walk with God! I am so on my own time schedule and have made it into this really one-sided relationship. And although I know that God loves me and understands me, better than I understand Juniper and her little idiosyncrasies, that doesn't excuse my behavior. Unlike my cat, I have the ability to reason and perform without only the base of instincts. I know that when I make time for God, things are so much better! So why can't I shake this cat-atude? I'm fallen and working on it. For now, I will try to have moments when I rise above the fur balls and cat nip addictions to make time for my Savior! Thank you Jesus for your patience!

Living poor

I'm wondering if I will ever travel again. I think I will, since it is something that is important to me. But for now, living poor and without a justification for travel, I feel like I should mourn traveling. I am grateful for the time I had with it and for the blessing of a good camera during most of my trips. I can't imagine not being able to travel and not having photos to remember the trips by. I would be either really sad or not as bad. What I mean by that is that I would either really miss traveling because I would have the weak photos in my mind to remember the amazing places I've been, or I wouldn't miss it as much because I wouldn't be able to see what I'm missing out on. Either way though - I miss it.

Generation duhhhh...

So the title might seem harsh, but I have some harsh opinions about some of the activities that the next generation is engaging in... and that the parents and leaders of these kids are overlooking. My husband works at a middle school in San Bernardino. His principal asked him to bring in a specific song for their pep rally last week, so the task fell to me to find it on itunes and burn it for him. Well I found it. And let's just say it took a lot of convincing for me to spend $1.29 to buy the "song" if you want to call it that. In fact, I found two versions of it - the explicit version and the "clean" version. I of course bought the "clean" version since it was for a pep rally at a jr. high. However, the only thing clean about it was that the N-word wasn't used and "bitches" was replaced with "females". The content was still garbage and was hardly worthy of the title "clean." Now this has been a common argument since the dawn of music - someone is always offended. However, I never really engaged myself in the dispute because it didn't affect my life. But now as a parent, I have a different perspective on what should be tolerated as "pep" rally material at a middle school. What happened to "We Will Rock You?" What are we teaching them when we pump in the message of oral sex and spending money like it's water to a bunch of already mentally challenged teenagers? I have one - trust me, he is mentally challenged at this age!! He may be capable of thinking, but it takes a lot of reminding to engage that common sense. So now, at their most vulnerable stage of development, we tell them that if they are worth anything they will get a girl to do things that she's not ready for and may lead to more little "duhhh's" running around, that they should beat other people up if they are challenged, that they ought to spend money on stupid things that don't last or mean anything - even at the cost of their basic needs, and that they better look out for themselves only, and don't trust cops. Excellent. Watch out world - here comes Generation Duhhhh to defend our honor.

It's resolutions time!

So... I haven't blogged in a while. Ever since all my friends and family members had their babies in the spring. I've taken some time off to quit my job, homeschool my children, get my teaching credential (done in May 2010), and loose just a bit more of my sanity. So now that it's 2010, I thought I would make a new entry in my old friend up blog. And what better to write about than New Years Resolutions (in my mind that sounded like a deep echo - like an announcer would in a low budget "sale" commercial). So here they are...

1. Stop Smoking!! Ok - so I don't smoke, but I wanted to start my list with a resolution that would be easy to check off. Kind of like a confidence booster. So... check.

2. Get employed. I would love to have all this new schooling pan out to something that pays. That would be nice.

3. Blog more... check.

4. Go to Disneyland. This was one of my resolutions last year. Cassidy (my 10 year old daughter), Jimmy (my brother), and I tried to check this one off for 2009 on December 29th - this past Tuesday. However, we found out - while waiting in the line to park - that Disneyland had in fact sold out! Did not know that was possible. So this year - we may start trying to tackle this resolution a bit earlier to make sure we can check it off.

5. Get my 10 year to take a shower by herself. This would complete my 10 year plan of getting both children to a point where they can make a sandwich, bathe on their own, and wipe their own behinds. My work here is almost done.

6. Have the talk... x's 2. Yes, this is the year of the "coming of age" talks. I have a feeling this is going to age me as much as it will them.

7. Stick to our restrictions. We have a few limits around this house and they tend to get lax when I get pooped. We are back to one hour of tv per day for each kid, one soda a day for me, read for an hour before playing video games, and no video games during the school week.

8. Save at least $200 a month - every month! I think I can... I think I can.

9. Find a devotions book that I like and will stick with. I do great typically until February.

and finally...

10. Gain 20 pounds! No - this isn't another confidence booster resolution. Although that would ironic to put this as one since I know I can check it off, but will loose a little self-confidence gaining even more weight. No, no... this is sorta like a reverse-psychology resolution. Typically I say I want to loose weight in the new year - and guess what - I gain. So this year I'm trying something different. Either way I guess I will gain confidence.

Well - that's it for now.

Left Behind Series has stolen my life

I am finally on the last book in the Left Behind Series!  I am dreading and anticipating the day when I finish the last sentence and file the book with the rest of them on the shelf.  I have been so into this series that I haven't accomplished much else in the six months since I picked up the first book.  Now... here in the middle of book 13... I am anticipating the end with some apprehension.  I now it will be good for all my other "to-do's" to finally finish, but then what will I do without the constant updates on Rayford's journey through the tribulation, or Chloe's co-op that continues on despite the tragedy (I won't give it away, in case you haven't read book 12), or Buck's escapades with Chaim?  I don't know.  I guess I could find another series, but it feels so wrong to just invest in all these characters and then move on so quickly.  Well, I guess I could put the Christmas decorations away, or maybe vacuum under the beds.  That will kill a little time.

I'm off the sauce...

So I am trying to regain my status as a legit member of the non-medicated mothers of America.  I am only taking them "as needed" now.  Yay!  So far, I've done well - not too many "needed" days.  We're taking it one day at a time.  This decision was easier to make since I noticed that I really felt naturally better when I was at church or thinking about church or reading something that had to do with more than just this materialistic society.  I started thinkin' that maybe if I can just get out of my head I wouldn't need the aid of modern medicine.  So I'm refocusing and finding that I am my own worst enemy.  It's odd the power you have over your own health.

Hi... I'm medicated (the jury's still out on the motivated part)...

So I've been told there's no shame in being a medicated mom (mostly from other medicated moms and my mom - who has to love me no matter what), but that doesn't make it any easier.  Here I am 4 months after losing my job - still unemployed and now popping pills.  Sure I have a prescription, but that doesn't take away the sting of having a crutch.  Actually it does - I think that was the point.  I am trying to use them in moderation though, given my propensity towards liking them... a lot.  I only take them when my little world feels like it's collapsing, which feels like a weekly occurrence these days.  I hope that getting a job again someday will cure me from this dependency.

Crafty indeed...

I love love love this idea I saw on a blog called The Purl Bee.  They use embroidery hoops to make framed works of art from fabric or any other material you can think of.  So crafty!  Now I've got my eyes peeled for the perfect fabrics!

VBS...

The kids are going to Vacation Bible School this week.  I don't know how many of you ever went to VBS as a kid - but they sure have come a long way from when I was a kid.  I remember it being like extended Sunday school - the highlight being the little reel-to-reel movies they showed about morals or Bible stories.  My kids however are going to a science-themed VBS this week.  There's a band with huge props on stage.  There are stations with lab coated technicians who lead the kids in activities.  There's even a robot on stage that dances to the music.  What the heck?!  Honestly though - I miss the cartoons.

And your fortune is...

I am such a sucker for fortunes!  I know that might not be the most Christian thing - but I love getting the fortunes out of the cookies!  Tonight's reads were so appropriate that I thought I would not only squirrel them away in my journal - but also blog them here!

1.  You will have many friends when you need them.

2.  You will hear pleasant news.

3.  You will be successful in a business of your own.

4.  You can expect a change for the better in job or status in the future.

Yay!

A Week Later...

One week after the punch in the gut - I'm still unemployed.  I didn't think that it would happen in a week - I didn't think I would find anything that quickly.  But I thought I might get a few phone calls or something.  I've put in about 10 applications to all the good places.  Now this week I will be lowering my standards and increasing my driving radius.  Fun fun.  But it could be worse.  I could be the one that people are using as a scape goat for all of their problems... well that's probably coming.  But really what do I care?  I didn't try to leave on good terms - I mean I tried but wasn't allowed to really.  The bridge is burnt, so to speak, so why worry about their opinion of me now?  My friends know me and know what happened and the rest is pointless.

Ouch...

Painful weekend for me.  I went from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other.  When I woke this morning, I wasn't sure what today would hold - but now that I know I'm ready to move on.  What a roller coaster ride.  It still hurts like crap, but I'm beginning to feel like it's going to be OK.  I had toyed with this idea anyway, but in all of those scenarios - I was in control.  In those daydreams my kids weren't looking at me like this.  My husband wasn't having to pick up the puddle that was me this weekend.  My parents weren't having to reassure me that I'm not a bad person.  It's funny how the loss of control means so much to your self-esteem and your mental health.  I had no idea I had this kind of attachment to my own destiny.  Anyway - I'm feeling reassured... a little more solid... and a lot of love from those around me who care.  I even feel connected to God in a new way.  

Who designs this crap...

Warning: These images may shock you. This is the crap they expect us "full-figured" gals to wear. Who designs this? Is there a group of popular kids - like the jocks and cheerleaders - in a room somewhere snickering and giggling as they devise new ways to humiliate us? Isn't it enough that we have to buy things labeled "plus"? Plus what exactly? The worst part is the prices - all of these are over $100 each and that Popeye jacket is $200! Anyway... That's the crap we deal with. Feel sorry for us!

You're my anti-drug...

Today at McDonalds in Yucaipa, the cashier was a very nice young lady with little to no bad attitude.  She was polite enough and took my order without incident.  However, when I paid, I noticed that she was wearing an interesting bracelet that had some odd design on each of the dime-sized beads that went all the way around it.  Upon closer inspection, I found that the design was a pot leaf.  At first, I was kind of shocked.  After all - she is on the job.  Then the mother in me wanted to tattle on her - what if my children were with me and saw that.  Sure, they wouldn't have a clue what it was or why it would be wrong to wear that on the job.  But still - it's the principle of the thing.  Then the mother in me, also wanted to talk to the girl and tell her that pot leaves weren't going to get her anywhere in life - trust me!  But then I realized that her little display was probably a pretty descent anti-drug campaign for those customers who figured it out.  After all - she is working at McD's.  So cashier at McD's wearing the obvious pot leaves so proudly on your wrist - today you are my anti-drug!

Happy Emo Day...

Father's Day is tomorrow.  I can't help but think of my dad on this day.  I can't help but wonder how things would be if I had been the better person and made more of an effort with him.  I made it through the anniversary of his death without any incidents, but for some reason I'm really feeling this Father's Day.  I think it's because I'm unhappy in other areas of life.  It's easy to lump this in and just wallow.  And Lord knows I have tons of good wallowing tracks on my itunes.  I'm walking that fine emo line these days.  I've got to bounce back before people get sick of me.  Maybe I'll send in a postsecret that lays out exactly how I'm feeling so it can be real... yeah - that won't be emo at all!

Dreamy...

I'm wondering what it says about me that I dream so vividly.  I have at least two dreams a night - that I can remember.  And they are typically something very emotional.  I think I have issues.  But who doesn't.

Heaven is a wonderful place - and it's mine all mine...

Christian and I were just reading the Bible together and sharing some deep thoughts when the topic of Heaven came up.  He asked me a few standard questions about sleeping and eating and the like, which led to more questions like the ever-popular, "Will there be video games in Heaven?"  Eventually our deep and meaningful conversation morphed into his distorted and hilarious impression of me in Heaven.  Apparently I will be hoarding green ipods and cameras, all while driving my free green limo and eating all the chocolate and mac n cheese I can get my grubby little hands on.  Awesome.  It sounds like the Disney version of "Grand Theft Auto"... rated L for Lame!  I'm so glad that the Lord is using me to reach this young inquisitive mind.  Oh and if you're curious - Cassidy will have all the baby dolls and My Little Ponies in Heaven - in case you're looking for one.

Don't drink the koolaid...

So a certain friend of mine loves to use this catchy little phrase a lot... "don't drink the koolaid."  I love it - so I've adopted it as my own.  I had the chance the use it today on my brother.  Apparently my mother found an ad in the paper asking for extras to come out to Victorville to audition for a part in a military movie.  She thought my brother would be perfect, so they went.  The casting director agreed with my mother and now Jimmy will be filming in a few weeks out in Victorville.  He is playing the part of a nazi soldier during WWII in the forth coming movie Valkyrie.  That was reason 1 for the koolaid comment.  The second reason is that the movie stars Tom Cruise as the lead.  I don't imagine Jimmy will have much chance to interact with the star however since Jimmy is way over 6 feet so I doubt they will stage them close together.

As seen on TV...

Today in the mail was a letter from a seemingly nice woman from Palm Desert asking me for an 'in' with Budget Travel. After a nice introductory paragraph about Hong Kong and travel, she writes...

"...there was a link to click on 'Have you ever wanted to be a travel writer', and I have been told many times by people, I should... so, the purpose of my letter is try to determine who I should contact, because the link would never work when I clicked on it. So I looked you up on line, and thanks for being there. My phone numbers are listed below..."

So now I am considering putting together some sort of self-help, inspirational, 29 step program to travel writing success. Even though all I had to do was win a contest with a short pitch. I'm pretty sure my 42 dvd set and workbook packet that will sell for 3 easy payments of 33.99 (plus shipping and a small handling fee and tax if you live in California) is going to be a huge hit!

That's my girl...

I have another moral issue to contend with this morning. Cassidy brought home a spelling test from school that had a note attached from her teacher. I saw that she was upset and embarrassed about whatever had prompted the note home, so I decided to read it now after Robert and the kids had already left for school. It shows a half-written attempt at the word "dictionary" and a sad face with the note explaining that Cassidy had looked up at the class dictionary during the test to find out how to spell it. The sad face was her teacher's way of showing her obvious disappointment in my child's attempt at cheating on the spelling test. Now for the moral dilemma... should I also shame her and extoll to Cassidy the weightiness of her decision to cheat on this test? Or should I be proud at the fact that my child was resourceful enough to look at the very object she was asked to spell, therefore showing that she may be more logical and have a bit more common sense than some of the other 2nd graders taking the test? Which leads me to more questions... Did her teacher realize that she was asking the class to spell an object that was located in the room - therefore setting them up for cheating? Was she just waiting for them to fail so she could teach them a hard life lesson? Was this a moral experiment as well as a spelling test? Was Cassidy the only 2nd grader to look at the giant dictionary with the word 'dictionary' printed down its spine? If so - is it wrong that I AM proud? Did Cassidy know that that would constitute cheating, or did she think she was being smart or resourceful? Am I over-thinking this issue because I'm trying to stall off going to work because I really just want to start collecting disability? Should Clinton drop out of the race? Are the recent global catastrophes precursors to an impending rapture? Ok... my mind is swirling with blog topics... I should go to work now.

I'm feeling strangely disabled...

In the mail yesterday was the Social Security breakdown all us working stiffs get from time to time.  It outlines how much we've contributed and the amounts we would receive should certain SS-related life events occur.  Here's where I'm confused and my moral conflict arises... If I continue to work hard like a busy little bee until I'm 62 years old, I will receive $831 a month from SS when I retire.  However, if I was to become disabled right now, I would receive $973 a month.  So you see my dilemma... Frankly, at this point, my only decision is - mental breakdown or nondescript back problems.  Alright, maybe not.  I would have to live with myself as a liar and cheater.  And there's the whole Christian aspect of cheating the government.  And the social implications when people find out your "disabled" and collecting SS.  But still... It's tempting!

What the chase?

So I just finished updating my credit card file. It's a spreadsheet I keep with all my accounts, limits, balances, interest rates, due dates, etc. I like to keep that information updated so I can see how much interest I am paying. Three of my cards are from Chase, two of which are the cards I use the most. I found that even though I am paying on time and am under the limit on all three, they have all risen to 28.99%! They are not maxed out. They are current. And they are all three being used regularly. So what the chase? (I've decided that "chase" is my new favorite cuss word.) I called the 800 number to request that they lower the rate, and they curteously replied that they are unable to do so at this time. Why? They have no reason... except for secretly I think they know we can't get any more credit with the economy in the toilet like it is. So we are stuck! Luckily, we don't owe much on them right now or we'd be chased.

OMB (Oh My Blog)...

So I'm on protective watch right now so I won't hurt myself.  I made the mistake of checking zillow this week.  Last month I was sure that we had reached the bottom.  But no, yesterday I found that we had sunk even lower.  After that grim discovery, I began to eye my neighbors in a whole new light.  As I slowly made my way down the culd-e-sac to my driveway, I couldn't help but levy disapproving stares at the un-manicured lawns or chipping stucco.  I've become hyper critical of the pile of junk in one neighbor's yard, and the boarded up house on the street makes me pray that the Lord will rain down sweet righteous fire upon the eyesore.  I seriously feel like that commitment-phobic man who was finally talked into getting married, and now sees only prison when he looks into her once lovely eyes.  Every dog bark or honk of a horn makes me want to escape this suburban cell.  My wanderlust is raging out of control and I'm afraid if house values don't rise soon, I could see myself upping the insurance on this old house and plotting her death.

But other than that, life is looking pretty sunny!   

My blog's been blogged...

My LOL blog is now a blog on the Budget Travel site!  How fun is that!

I'm just an LOL...

So I just got the most random phone call.  The caller id said "private," so it was a risk to answer it.  But once I did, I was met with the most star-struck little old lady.  Here's a bit of how the conversation went (events may be slightly dramatized for effect)...

Me: Hello? *said with a cool air of calm wisdom*

LOL (Little Old Lady): Is this Amy Koller? *voice shaking with anticipation and pure excitement*

Me: Yes...? *drenched in compassionate knowing of what was about to transpire*

LOL: Oh my... I'm just a little old lady from Yucaipa.  I live up on Fremont Street in the mobile home park.  I just got my issue of Budget Travel and I saw you in there.  I'm just a little old lady from Yucaipa! *she sits to avoid fainting from the mere sound of my voice*

Me: hahahaha... yes.  Aren't you cute. *This was like the politician kissing the local babies... just keepin' it real*

LOL: Oh my... I'm just a little old lady and I've lived in Yucaipa for so long and I saw it in the magazine!  *probably just forgot to mention that she was more excited about talking to me than about seeing the name of her city in a magazine*

Me: hahahaha... yes. *I have such a way with words!*

LOL: Well, did you see it?  Did you get your copy yet? *breathless from the earth-shattering excitement of actually getting through to a famous author*

Me: yes I...

LOL: I'm just a little old lady up on Fremont Street in the mobile home park.  Well ok. bye. *click*

Me: thank.... *dial tone*

So that was random... but fun.  Feel free to start the official fan club now.  I know a little old lady in a trailer park in Yucaipa who will wear the button! (and you can probably convince my mom to join too)

Check me out...

So now I am an internet sensation as well...

Budget Travel online version!

A nod from a blog...

So my editor emailed me (that was super fun to type!) and told me that my article had received a tiny nod in the NY Post blog.  Here's what the blog had to say in regards to my BT piece...  

"For the June issue, however, they've gone completely nuts, giving over all 142 pages of the book -- including the beautiful cover -- to their loyal fans, who file everything from tips on Denver cafes (useful!) to cute stories about taking your kids to Hong Kong to eat dim sum (fun to read!)."

That's me!  I'm fun to read!!  What a ride this has been!

Speaking of the article... I got the check yesterday, along with a very nice letter from Erik, the editor.  The check went directly into the bank, but I think I will frame the letter along with a copy of the article.  I'm not quite sure how I'll do that yet, but I think this is one of the those occasions where framing is appropriate.  That way years from now, when I am deliciously busy as a full time travel writer, I can look back on this experience and remember it as a graduation of sorts.  Or... years from now, when I am drearily going about with life as usual, I can look back on this experience and remember it as one of the best times of my life.  Either way, this has been quite a ride!

Wicked...

Wow.  Let me just say that...  Wow.  If you haven't already seen Wicked - you need to see it!  

I have to admit that I am in no way a trend setter.  When others around me saw the play (The Grays in London and LA, and then later Tiffany), I scoffed.  Yes, I was a scoffer.  I'm kind of a jerk sometimes.  I may even be classified as one of the "mob with pitchforks" when it comes to some musicals.  But I am big enough (no jokes please) to admit when I am wrong.  I was wrong.  Wicked is everything my friends said it was and more.  I'm in love with it - as predicted.

Saturday morning surprise...

I was just thinking to myself the other day that there are not nearly enough hamsters in this world. And certainly not enough in our house, since Robert took Ivan the breeder and Helga the spinster back to the pet shop. After their departure, we were only left with Olga the fertile and her brood of "the 7 dwarves" (her batch of baby Robo dwarf hamsters born on April 26th). But then this morning, as I was preparing the 7 dwarves for the big day of separation from Olga, I found that Olga had been baking a little belly secret for the past few weeks. Since non of her youngin' are old enough to mate, Ivan must have shared a long goodbye with Olga before he was shipped out to the pet store, just a day after the birth of his septuplets. Awww hamster love. So now Olga the fertile, is Olga the single mother of 12. Is anyone in the adopting mood?

Raise your hand if you're published...

The Budget Travel article is out!  It's in the June 2008 issue.  I was sad when I read it because they cut over 4,500 words.  But it's published... so that's good.  The pictures are getting online, slowly but surely.  The first round is on flickr and more will follow.  I won't put all of them up since I took over 3000 and saved 1800 or so.  But you'll get the gist of the trip. 

This blogs for you...

Hello friends and family... I am bloggin'.  Could be worse, I could be floggin' or cloggin'.  Anyway, this is to keep those of you informed who actually care.  So I'll be posting photos and life updates here so you can stalk us from the comfort of your own home... or workplace.  It's really up to you.